Getting God

And He said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself 
and take up his cross daily and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; 
but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

For what is a man advantaged if he gain the whole world and lose himself or be cast away.

(Luke 9:23-25)

When I was seventeen years old I lived with my grandmother. I didn't like the school where I was so I asked my mom, actually begged her, to let me live with my grandmother so I could go to the school in the city where she lived. I didn't like where we were living in Jersey City and at that time Staten Island was still pretty rural compare to where we were. I loved Staten Island then. It must be the will of God because my mother allowed me. So around October in my Junior in high school I transferred. 

Turns out it was pretty lonely for me. I did not have any friends. Unlike in Jersey City where I had a friend in every class, New Dorp High was one pretty lonely place for me. One day it occurred to me to make God my "Diary". I was in a habit of writing my thoughts in my diary but one day I was so sad and lonely that my diary wasn't enough. I figured that God was a great guy up there who loves me, I've known about Him growing up in church, and I thought and believed with all my heart that He will hear me and listen to my ramblings...and that for short He will be my friend...that He will understand. So one night after dinner and homework, I knelt down by the couch and started talking to Him. I just opened up my heart to Him and told Him what I was going through and that I was going to make Him my diary and that it's been pretty lonely for me in school. Then it came on me to ask Him if He could give me a friend. Every night I did this, at the same time, after dinner, after homework, I knelt down by the couch and talked to Him. I stopped praying. I stopped worrying about what I'm going to say and how I should start and finish my prayer. I just talked to Him like He was my diary. 

It has become a habit for me to talk to Him so much so that now that I'm forty years old I find it miserable not to. I talk to Him now in the mornings and at night. God has shown me so many things in my life, has done so many things I would never have dreamed of, that it makes me so thankful it occurred to me one day to just believe He is my friend.

From that high school conversations with Him, I ended up with enough friends to carry me through high school, a couple of best friends, a boyfriend (yup, I asked Him to give me one and remembered being impressed in my heart that it's not all going to be good and still I insisted), a gpa of 91.71 (being allowed to graduate even though I had failed the Math regents. I bawled out to God that night angry with Him that He had allowed me to fail - my audacity! And felt the Holy Spirit checking my spirit that I ended up apologizing to Him...later my teachers thought that it was a mistake since I was an A-B student. If they only knew, I don't do simple Math...divisions and fractions were my nemesis...it wasn't a mistake. My report card showed what they felt...they changed my grade. Of course, I knew who really did that...), my family moving to Staten Island because I had asked Him, and so many things to mention...little desires here and there being granted...because I was having conversations with Him.

The most important thing that He granted me during this time was the ability to write songs. My brother and my sister had been writing songs and I had no clue how to go about it. My dad is a singer and a song writer and it seemed that the talent fell on them but not on me. I remember kneeling by the couch and asking Him to give me the ability to write songs and that I will only write and composed songs for His glory. Twenty minutes later I had a new song...the very first song I have written:

Holy, Holy, God Almighty

Holy, Holy Jesus the King

Holy, Holy God Omnipotent

Holy, Holy Jesus the Lord

There are other verses...but I'll never forget the joy that came to me when the melody came into my mind and the words flowed and all I had to do was write them down. They were coming in torrents I had to run and get pen and paper quick and asked the Lord to slow down a bit so I can write them down. I didn't have to worry it seemed like my mind and my heart was just filled with this song. I cried and cried I was so blessed by the song...and touched that God has graciously honored my desire. 

Coming to God is not always easy, especially when your heart is not in it. With all the things He had blessed me with, the challenges to keep my time with Him grew. Before you know it I was spending more time with my boyfriend, hanging out with my best friend, and talking on the phone! Things like going to the mall and even working as a cashier became common...and somehow, my conversations with Him dwindled down to almost nothing. I didn't even realize it. I still talked to Him...sometimes...but now I had a new love...my boyfriend had become my world...my life. I would remember Him though when I'm unhappy...because as time went with my boyfriend, I became more and more unhappy. It was like a love-hate relationship. He was verbally abusive and very possessive. It became to a point where I would break up with him almost every week and then make up with him a couple of days later. One day, I couldn't take it anymore. Every time I had broken up with this guy, he would come crying and begging to come back and I did not have the heart to stay firm and walk away. I loved him. But he was a jerk. So I asked the Lord, as hard as it was for me to ask Him, to take my boyfriend away from me. I told the Lord to bring Him back when he "grew" up. Even as I was asking the Lord, I had a feeling that my boyfriend wasn't going to come back. Still, I asked the Lord to "make him grow up and please bring him back..."

I went out with this boyfriend for two years and a half. The day came when the Lord took him away. The boyfriend had to go out of state to his brother's wedding to be the best man and decided to stay there. We had a set date to meet after he got back home...I waited and waited and he never showed up. Hours turn into days and I didn't hear from him. I laid in my bed wondering, praying that he was all right. On the third day I heard the phone ring and knew it was him but did not have the courage to go down and answer it. I heard my sister answer it and saw her talking on the phone...still, I did not have the courage to ask her who it was. I knew who it was. Later, she came to me and told me that the boyfriend has decided to stay where his brother lives...and was never intending to come back...a week later I got to talking to him and I heard he had met a "friend", "like a sister". 

That wasn't exactly what I was praying for...but God accomplished it. He took him away from me. I spent nights later crying...and crying...and weeping to God asking for His comfort. Then, I made up my mind - NEVER AGAIN! Never again will I love anyone more than God. Never again will I give all my heart and soul and make them my life. No one is worth it. God alone will be my life. God alone will be the only one that will have me.

Getting God takes a commitment. It's a marriage. You have to give your one hundred percent or it will never work. Fifty-fifty will not cut it. Your heart, your soul, your ambitions, your desires, your future, your present has to all belong to Him. How you say? By daily placing yourself before Him - laying down  your heart before Him...loving Him, talking to Him, allowing Him to be your Lord. The Psalmist states it this way: Commit your works unto Him and thy thoughts will be established.

After I had made up my mind to never allow anyone to have me but God I became fully committed to prayer and fasting. Prayer to me was easier. Fasting is like going through Sahara Desert with only a canteen of desire to see me through...but that desire did see me through...especially when I became desperate for answers and power from God. Not only that, I fell hard for God. I couldn't keep Him off my mind. Seems to me the more I prayed the more I wanted Him. I would get up in the middle of the night and talk to Him, loving Him...And during the day I talked to Him whenever I could be alone. I remember riding the bus home and thinking I'll talk to Him. As soon as I did I feel like choking back tears...I could feel Him in my heart. I could feel His love and His comfort. He was letting me know that He is real and that He loves me.