Having A Hard Time Praying?

Having a hard time praying and staying focused?

Well, that was me this morning. I could not for the life of me stay still and focus on my prayer.

So, I asked the Lord to help me. I cried out loud, "Lord God, please help me to pray! I am having a hard time praying and staying focused!"

I believed that He heard me and that He was going to help me.

And He did.

I ended up finding myself reading a couple of Isaiah chapters out loud. (There is something about reading a chapter out loud over reading it silently.) It somehow helped me get my soul going into a prayer mode.

I read Isaiah 58 and 14. I am trying to memorize Isaiah 58 because it talked about the way to fast and how if you do the way the Lord wants us to fast there is healing that will come. I love the rewards that come with doing a right fast. And I have to say I have benefited very much in doing this. I have seen God's healing upon my soul and upon my life. When you fast for the sake of other people and carry such a burden for their souls, that is the right fast. When you fast just to gain something for yourself and to get even, well, you might as well save your time and energy because you're not going to go far. That is exactly what God was mad about on Isaiah 58. The children of Israel was doing the wrong fast.

Fasting the right fast of course, and having that burden for other people can only come from the Lord. So if you need help, just ask the Lord to give you that burden. I am in fact in need of that burden again. I need to fast for someone but these days, after working for over five years, it's not coming as easy as it used to be. It's not even in my mind all the time as it should be. But I know I have to do it. So, I am asking the Lord to give me the burden to fast for that person. And yes, I am motivated as well for the rewards that will come. I want the Lord to bless me. I want the Lord to bless my soul even more - of His grace and His healing touch. We can never have enough of it.

Anyway, I read my chapters out loud, including my Bible Reading for the day. In the midst of it, I just found myself singing worship songs...so I did. I didn't fight it. I sang and sang, probably five or maybe even eight songs...

Then I love the Lord. I just felt like thanking the Lord and loving Him. And you know what, since I was feeling this way I didn't force myself to finish my Bible reading. I figured I'd finish it after I'm done talking to the Lord. So I talked to the Lord some more. I loved Him. I praised Him. Made my request. Sang couple more songs. Made more petitions. Loved Him. Thanked Him for the wonderful things He has promised to do for me. Then I was done.

I finished my Bible reading out loud. Memorized couple of those verses in Isaiah 58 and closed the book.

I love the Lord because He's so good! He has helped me pray today.

I also find that having a prayer goal helps. Every day of the week I have a schedule of who to pray for. For Monday I pray for my family. Tuesday, my relatives. Wednesday, for my friends and co-workers. Thursday, home missions. Friday, America. Saturday, the world. Sunday, missionaries. This way I don't get overwhelmed when I am praying. Also, I can focus on the need that is at hand. If there are needs of other people that I am aware of I pray for them. I can also focus on loving the Lord and thanking Him for all He's done for me and what He's going to do in the future. It is important that your prayer is not just about praying for other people and problems but that you make time in focusing on the goodness of God. Often I find myself satisfied to just focus on God's goodness than praying for my problems or other people's problems. This delights God more than asking and asking. Because we all know He knows everything. He knows our problems more than we do. But by focusing on His goodness and what He has done for us first (and not just for us but what He's done in general, for other people and in the Bible) our problems will become less insurmountable. They become less serious. And we can believe God better and our prayer time will be less overwhelming.

I also have a pattern I follow in my mind when I am praying. I call it my "two-twos prayer". This was a prayer I came up with during my commute in the morning to work. It's so easy and quick and yet when I am done I feel like I have accomplished what I need to do in my prayer.

This is how it goes: 2 things to thank Him for. (Sometimes 2 Psalm chapters). 2 songs. 2 things I like about Him. 2 things I am thankful for that He's done for me in the past. 2 people I need to pray for. 2 things I want to pray for in my life. 2 things I believe He's going to do for me in the future.

First I thank Him for waking me up for the day and for His protection upon me and my husband during the night. I also thank Him for a wonderful day, especially when the sun is shining. Lol.

Then I sing a couple of songs, from the heart. I focus on what I am singing. And it usually is a song that is a one on one. A worship song. Not the happy go lucky, jolly sing along they do in some churches. But a worship song. A song of adoration and thanksgiving.

Then I focus on the Lord and His attributes and tell Him why He means so much to me. I find myself always thanking Him for His presence and how He is able to be here for me all the time. Hence, I thank Him for His faithfulness. So I look for two things about God that I am thankful about and thank Him for it. Of course when my heart feels more worship of Him then I do that. I don't just stick to two things. But this helps me to start off. Just think of two things and then that gets me rolling.

After the couple of things I like about the Lord, I then thank Him for two things He has done for me in the past. That usually is no problem. I end up thanking Him for more than two things of course. I thank Him for my mind that is better today. I thank Him for a better marriage. I thank Him for delivering me from my job and bringing me back home to spend more time with Him. On and on. And when I can't think of anymore then I move on to praying for people.

I think of a couple of people that come into my mind that need prayer. Usually I find more than two people. Some times the Lord shows faces in my mind who to pray for, so I pray for them.

After this I pray for a couple of my personal requests. I tell the Lord what I'm desiring in my life and asks Him to grant them to me according to His will.

Then I thank Him for a couple of things I know He's going to do for me in the future. Usually the things I've been praying for and things I have heard Him tell me He's going to do. I thank Him for those believing that He's going to fulfill them.

I love and praise Him and thank Him for all He's done for me and I finish my prayer.

I finish up on my Bible reading if need be. I always start my prayer with a Bible reading. It helps get my mind on the Lord. (This morning I needed help to stay focused and it came upon me to read the scriptures out loud and that helped a lot. By the time I was done I was ready to talk to the Lord, sing and praise Him.)

I then say the Benediction that Moses pronounced to the children of Israel to myself:

May the Lord God bless thee and keep thee
May the Lord God shine His face upon thee and be gracious unto thee
May the Lord God lift His countenance upon thee and grant thee peace

Then I sing my last song:

Isn't He wonderful
wonderful wonderful
Isn't Jesus my Lord, wonderful
Eyes have seen, ears have heard
What's recorded in God's word
Isn't Jesus my Lord wonderful

It is truly wonderful what the Lord has done
It is truly wonderful
(Repeat 2x)
It is truly wonderful what the Lord has done
Glory to His Name!

To Be Accounted Worthy

Heaven and earth shall pass away but my words shall not pass away.

And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting and drunkeness and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.

For as snare shall it come on all them that dwell on the face of the whole earth.

Watch ye therefore and pray always that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass and to stand before the Son of Man.

Words of Jesus Christ (Luke 21:33-36)

Overcoming In Prayer

And He was withdrawn from them 
about a stone’s cast and kneeled down and prayed

Saying, Father, if Thou be willing, 
remove this cup from me: 
nevertheless not my will, 
but Thine, be done.

And there appeared an angel unto Him from heaven, strengthening Him.

And being in agony He prayed more earnestly: 
and His sweat was as it were great drops of blood 
falling down to the ground.

(Luke 22:41-44)

A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, 
because her hour is come: 
but as soon as she is delivered of the child, 
she remembereth no more the anguish, 
for joy that a man is born into the world.

(John 15:21)

I started my prayer this morning with such despondency and helplessness in my mind. I’ve been praying for the same thing over and over again for years now. Once in awhile it would press upon me and weigh me down that I can’t even pray. I have been assured in time passed that the Lord will take care of it…that He will blessed me and not have to worry about it anymore. But still today, this morning, I still feel like I’m starting all over again. It seems worse since it’s been something I’ve been praying for and now still where is the deliverance of God? Why am I still dealing with this? I need a word. I need to be set free from this burden. But I couldn’t even think. My thoughts were a whirl in my mind and all I feel in my heart were sandbags upon sandbags of years of this weight. I would just rather die than go on.

Still I know I have to go on. There is no other choice. It seems to me it’s as easy to God to deliver me from this issue as to grant me my heart’s desire to just lay down and die. I prefer of course to live. But I feel like giving up.

I prefer not to go into details of what I’m dealing with. First, it’s something personal. Second, I feel like people will think it’s not such a big deal after all and will think I’m nuts for making such a big deal about it.

I don’t know if you’ve been there were your problems are greater in your mind than in other people’s lives and vice-versa. Other people’s problems seems less wretched than what your friends make it out.

But yet we all feel this way. We’ve been praying for something for years and nothing seems to happen. Other times it seems to get worse (as I felt this morning).

Sometimes all we need is a word. A revelation. A vision in our minds that what we’ve been praying for is heard of by God and that it’s going to come to pass eventually. Even that “eventually” is better than “never”. If you’re like me and you’re that person that just need to hear a word or is desperate to get an assurance from God that He’s working at our problems, then I hope this write up will help somehow.

I’ve been praying for years and been talking to God for years and I have seen results upon results of God answering my prayers. In another article I will try to write more about those miracles. But prayer is something I do on a daily basis. Sometimes my prayer last for just an hour, sometimes two, sometimes all day. And I have seen God work in my life through these prayers. Words of revelation, assurances, visions, I have experienced through my prayer.

As I was saying, my prayer this morning started out quiet, disturbed in my mind and despondent. But I kept on in my mind. Talking to the Lord in my heart. Actually, at first I mostly complained. My thoughts, went like this, “I have had it. My life is wretched. Just miserable.” I let my emotions dictate my thoughts. My heart just venting in misery before God.

After about seems like forever of this – probably just half an hour really I changed my tactic. I figured I’d read my Bible. I opened up my Bible and continued reading my chapter that matched the day in Proverbs. I had missed a couple of days so I had to make up two chapters up to the 22^nd. Then I read more of my daily chapters I read based on the Tyndale Daily Walk Bible that I have. I am actually at Numbers now…February 15^th in my Bible.

Eventually my prayer became audible…speaking out loud…just thanking God as just a matter of course of the things He’s done in the past…Never really feeling it but I know it’s better for me in my heart somehow. I also try to wait on the Holy Spirit. I try to “listen” in my spirit as I reach out to the Lord.

And then the troubles in my mind took over – overcame by my emotions of being overwhelmed…I sobbed my sorrow out to God…weeping my sorrow out to God…(No one is around so I can freely do this. In time past I would burry my face to my pillow and just pour my heart and soul in tears before God. This is good. This moves the heart of God.)

I continue to love Him even though the mind is still in wretchedness…remembering His goodness again in the past how prayers were answered…even though the mind still find it hard to believe current situation has a way out…

An hour or so has passed and still it seems like it’s a dead end…but still I don’t give up…I haven’t overcome yet…I haven’t gotten the release in my mind…I don’t give up…

By this time God started to deal with me in my spirit to believe He is for me…by this time I am feeling in my spirit to trust Him…

Still, I still somehow feel defeated…that there is no way out…it’s a dead end…I feel tired and hopeless…

I love God again as a matter of course…I sing a song because I feel like singing…then I love Him again…I remember His goodness again in my life and in the Bible…I still feel overwhelmed in my heart and in my soul…I feel like hope is gone…life is hateful…then I cried it out…I cry and weep it out to God…I tell Him exactly how I feel…I cry, “I hate my life! I hate my life!...Nothing changes…nothing ever will….wahhhhh…..hate it…hate it…hate it…”

Still nothing…So I read a Psalm out loud…I read my Bible…and then I love God again…thanking Him in my heart. Just saying, “I love you Jesus. I praise you. I love you. You are great. You are Holy. You are faithful.” Again and again.

By this time I started to feel God is around me, waiting. Am I going to give up…am I going to give in to the spirit of defeat? I don’t. I continue. I love God again. I remember a time in the past when He delivered me. And talked to Him about it. I told Him how I know He can do the same thing again…even though I feel like there’s nothing coming through…

Two hours will probably have passed by at this time and still I feel like there are still closed doors…still like life is hateful…

I love Him still anyway. Even if I don’t feel like it. I love Him still, anyway. I sing a song again, loving Him. (I sometimes would read a devotional. I sing a hymn or listen to a hymn.) And I stay closeted. Uninterrupted.

By this time I’m feeling a little less overwhelmed even if my mind still have not been “renewed”. My spirit feels a little less overwhelmed especially when I’ve been loving Him and then crying out to Him.

Prayer will sometimes feel like giving birth…going through labor…trying to push but the child won’t come out…You have to keep pushing and keep trying until the child does come out or else if you give up that child is going to die…Same way with prayer, do not leave your room or your closet door until you feel a release in your mind…a surge of faith that God will take care of it…of everything…

Wait…lots of waiting. Just because you don’t feel like you’ve been delivered doesn’t mean you’re not going to…remember the giving birth…remember the child…

At this point I asked the Lord to release my mind from oppression…to help me to think what I should think or see what I should see…Of course I’ve been trying to pray this all along but not really meaning it. By this time  though I’m believing Him to do it. It is becoming possible.

As I pray and cry to Him…and when I am weeping, I ask Him to comfort me…I literally ask Him and beseech Him to comfort me…and He does…I feel a release in my soul…I feel a little bit lighter…

Depending on your situation and your state of mind…two hours – almost three probably…God will come around…when you finally are exhausted and almost resigned and given up…God will come around…your voice will be heard…it’s as if He’s heard you finally...

But still only by opening up your life to Him and blessing Him and loving Him will it happen. Never when your mouth is negative. As long as you keep in that negative talk you will keep defeated.

If He’s dealing with you in your spirit acknowledge that…If He says, “I’m with you…” Then say, “Lord, thank you for being with me…thank you that I’m not alone…” And if you still feel discouraged say it, “But I still need your help…your strength…”

Also if you’re having a hard time breaking through and He’s dealing with you regarding a sin, by all means, deal with it. If you can’t, ask Him in your soul to help you and He will. Whatever He deals you with, acknowledge it or you won’t able to move on, especially when it comes to sin. All you need to do is say, “I’m sorry Lord Jesus. Please forgive me. I will try not to do it again. Please help me not to do it again.” And believe that He will and move on. Don’t dwell on the misery of your sin. If you’ve already acknowledged it He doesn’t want you dwelling on it. Move on.

(Now, if you can’t seem to move on because of a sin or a past issue…I think you will need to stay here until He releases you. You might even feel completely hopeless about it. If you are, it’s time to fast. Put aside all other cares in your life. If you need to spend a day with the Lord and have other cares ask the Lord to show you how to deal with those cares so you can spend that fast and day with Him. He should be able to show you.)

Somewhere in between two hours and the third hour He will come. If you open your mouth in love of Him and adoration of Him and lifting Him and proclaiming His goodness in your life, in this life, and in the Bible of what He’s done, He’s going to come to you. And all it takes is one thought…and you will be released….from whatever negative spirit that you have…from whatever oppression you’re feeling you will be released and delivered.

At some time in my third hour my mind was opened. I saw a vision in my mind of what I really wanted and really has desired for all these years. The thing that I’ve been desiring for became forefront in my mind and with a surge of faith from the Holy Spirit I pray it. A surge of trust also comes into my heart and I know it’s possible. God has shown it to me. This is what I have been waiting for. This is the end of my pushing. I see again what I’m working and living for. I have been shown this before but I needed to see it again in this light. All my problems seems unimportant and the only thing that mattered is this “vision” in my mind.

And to the rest who still do not receive the deliverance by second or third hour, keep waiting. It might be you are in need of the Holy Ghost power. It might take you probably another day. But if you don’t give up and keep up at it, by the second day or third you should feel a release and deliverance…you should feel a thought come into your heart, in your spirit or in your mind to release you from whatever hopelessness and doubts that have been oppressing you.

Of course if you need to cook and clean and deal with your everyday life then go ahead and do it. But keep your burden in your heart and in your mind. Don’t let go of it. Keep in “labor” spiritually. Then get back to it when you have time alone again with the Lord. Resume where you were. Don’t start all over again. Know that God knows you’re “laboring” – keeping a tryst with Him. He knows were you left off in your spirit and in your mind. So don’t worry if you feel like you’re starting all over again. Add the next hour or more to your tab and keep pushing. I heard of people in labor for 36 hours and their reward was more than well worth it. So will yours be.

Begin again the next day to love Him and to bless His name and wait for Him to deliver you until He delivers you. Do not give up. The child is worth it. And when the child is born you will rejoice and you will be glad. There is nothing like it in the world when you break through in the spirit and God begins to manifest His hand upon you.

When you feel deliverance in your heart or in your mind, REJOICE! And be exceeding glad in your heart and in your soul. If need be, jump up and down and wave your hand in the air before God. Dance before God. Make a joyful noise unto Him. Love Him. Thank Him. Make a big deal. Thank Him for delivering you. Thank Him for the thought that delivered you. Thank Him for the vision that He has shown. However He came to you to set your mind free specifically thank Him for it and rejoice. Rejoice and praise Him out loud because then your deliverance will turn into victory. Your heart will become joyful. Your heart will turn into gladness and you will cast away all spirit of gloom surrounding you and you will feel very victorious indeed.

But if your mind still feel defeated, then you need to continue to love Him. You need to be still again and wait yet some more by His word…reading His word…and talking to Him what bothers you.

But as soon as you feel the release, rejoice! REJOICE! Rejoice!

Give Me The Voice of God

Shall the flocks and the herds be slain for them, to suffice them? Or shall all the fish of the sea be gathered together for them, to suffice them?

And the LORD said unto Moses, Is the LORD's hand waxed short? Thou shalt see now whether my word shall come to pass unto thee or not.

(Numbers 11:22-23)

I love the relationship that Moses had with God. I love how the fact that God called Moses and chose him to be His messenger and deliverer for the children of Israel. The quality that Moses had which a lot of us seems to come short is being very humble. Abraham had faith, Job had long-suffering, and king David was an ever lover of God. And yet out of all these relationships I love Moses' the most. God was the one who took him and Moses wanted nothing to do with it. God had to give in to him to give him Aaron because Moses insisted he's not eloquent in speech and can’t talk to Pharaoh.

Every step of the way God had to keep assuring Moses that He's with him. God had to show him through the rod turning into a serpent and back again into a rod and his hand turning into a leper and then back again into normal. Every step of the way Moses was calling on God for direction. And here we see him again with the people asking for flesh and Moses wondered, how in the world is this going to happen? You’re going to feed them flesh? The fish and the flock aren’t enough for them. There are about six hundred thousand men alone. Moses couldn’t conceive of it. I guess Moses didn't know how big and awesome the God he was dealing with yet. He can feed people too, not just bring plagues. Moses is new to these things with God. So much so God was telling him, “Do you think my hand is small that I can’t feed them? You will see.”

Don’t you just love that? I mean God didn’t zap Moses for not believing.  For even daring to wonder how it’s going to happen. I feel like many of us would’ve condemned a Christian already for even questioning God’s ability. Well, many times I'm like Moses...I need constant assurance. I wonder how it’s going to happen. I want to see. Oh, I know God is able. I know He can do anything. But will He really coz I haven’t seen it before. I want Him to show me. Show me. Like Moses, I am wondering “How?” And I’m not letting Him be until He tells me. Even if like He said to Moses, "You'll see" and nothing more, that's enough for me. 

Job believed God even before he saw Him and talked to Him. Job said, “Though this worm eat my flesh yet I shall see God.” Talk about faith. And Abraham just obeyed God. No questions asked he went up to the mountain top and offered Isaac. He didn’t have a conversation with God about, “But you said I will have children as much as the stars in the sky, how is that going to happen now if I offer Isaac to you?” as I would’ve done.

I need constant assurance. I know God. I see God. But I need His voice. I need to hear His voice and let me know what’s going on. He can rebuke me, He can tell me I have no faith, He can tell me I don’t believe Him enough…that’s fine…but at the end of the day, I want to hear His voice. I want to hear Him say, “It’s going to be okay. Nothing’s going to go wrong. I will take care of you.” I want to hear it for myself. I don’t want to just accept it and see His word in the Bible and say, “He said therefore I believe it.” That’s good and all but I want to have the assurance that He was the one speaking to me. I don’t want to just randomly believe it. What if He didn’t really say it to me? How do I know He’s saying it to me just because it’s written in the Bible? I want to hear His voice like Moses did. Moses heard God’s voice telling him He’s going to feed the people flesh and assured Moses about it. That’s what I want. I want to hear His voice.

That’s why spending time with God in prayer and fasting is crucial to me. I don’t have as much faith as others do. I can’t just take the Bible’s word for it as others do. Sure. I have done that too. But no, I want more.  I want so much more. I want God to speak to me. I want to hear His voice. And many times when I speak to Him and listen with all my heart and hear my soul reach out to Him I can hear Him. It is the greatest thing I've ever or will ever experience. To hear the voice of God. And when I do I can live again.

Longing For Heaven

I was just talking to the Lord about going to heaven. I so wish I could be where He is already. This doctor Eben Alexander had a NDE (Near Death Experience) and his experienced of heaven I knew all along was the way it's going to be...that this world is the one that's a dream that heaven is the one that is a reality because it is the place that is forever...that there is no limit there...no sorrow...no wretchedness...no sin...everything that the Bible states it would be....love...filled with love. And I want to so much to go there.

I was just talking in my heart to the Lord about wishing I was one of the angels up there and all of a sudden a thought came upon me, "You wouldn't know the deeper love you experience now because of what Jesus Christ did for you if you were an angel..."

Being a sinner and being forgiven has it's advantages. We can experience what true love is...we are more preciously loved because of it...because of our sin nature...because we are so in need of God...so wretched and so helpless.

Also, this thought came to me during my meditation tonight, that what I have now, what we all have now, will never be. We will never experience this again...the love of God through Jesus Christ...that Jesus Christ is the ultimate show of the love of God...and that the relationship - that communicating with God through His Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ we will never experience again...that we are very fortunate to be experiencing it. The world to come is eternal and beautiful but it will not have the death and resurrection of Christ. It wouldn't be needed anymore because there is no sin there. Here is where it is precious. Here on this earth is the only place we can really value and receive that love of Christ.

Getting God

And He said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself 
and take up his cross daily and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; 
but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

For what is a man advantaged if he gain the whole world and lose himself or be cast away.

(Luke 9:23-25)

When I was seventeen years old I lived with my grandmother. I didn't like the school where I was so I asked my mom, actually begged her, to let me live with my grandmother so I could go to the school in the city where she lived. I didn't like where we were living in Jersey City and at that time Staten Island was still pretty rural compare to where we were. I loved Staten Island then. It must be the will of God because my mother allowed me. So around October in my Junior in high school I transferred. 

Turns out it was pretty lonely for me. I did not have any friends. Unlike in Jersey City where I had a friend in every class, New Dorp High was one pretty lonely place for me. One day it occurred to me to make God my "Diary". I was in a habit of writing my thoughts in my diary but one day I was so sad and lonely that my diary wasn't enough. I figured that God was a great guy up there who loves me, I've known about Him growing up in church, and I thought and believed with all my heart that He will hear me and listen to my ramblings...and that for short He will be my friend...that He will understand. So one night after dinner and homework, I knelt down by the couch and started talking to Him. I just opened up my heart to Him and told Him what I was going through and that I was going to make Him my diary and that it's been pretty lonely for me in school. Then it came on me to ask Him if He could give me a friend. Every night I did this, at the same time, after dinner, after homework, I knelt down by the couch and talked to Him. I stopped praying. I stopped worrying about what I'm going to say and how I should start and finish my prayer. I just talked to Him like He was my diary. 

It has become a habit for me to talk to Him so much so that now that I'm forty years old I find it miserable not to. I talk to Him now in the mornings and at night. God has shown me so many things in my life, has done so many things I would never have dreamed of, that it makes me so thankful it occurred to me one day to just believe He is my friend.

From that high school conversations with Him, I ended up with enough friends to carry me through high school, a couple of best friends, a boyfriend (yup, I asked Him to give me one and remembered being impressed in my heart that it's not all going to be good and still I insisted), a gpa of 91.71 (being allowed to graduate even though I had failed the Math regents. I bawled out to God that night angry with Him that He had allowed me to fail - my audacity! And felt the Holy Spirit checking my spirit that I ended up apologizing to Him...later my teachers thought that it was a mistake since I was an A-B student. If they only knew, I don't do simple Math...divisions and fractions were my nemesis...it wasn't a mistake. My report card showed what they felt...they changed my grade. Of course, I knew who really did that...), my family moving to Staten Island because I had asked Him, and so many things to mention...little desires here and there being granted...because I was having conversations with Him.

The most important thing that He granted me during this time was the ability to write songs. My brother and my sister had been writing songs and I had no clue how to go about it. My dad is a singer and a song writer and it seemed that the talent fell on them but not on me. I remember kneeling by the couch and asking Him to give me the ability to write songs and that I will only write and composed songs for His glory. Twenty minutes later I had a new song...the very first song I have written:

Holy, Holy, God Almighty

Holy, Holy Jesus the King

Holy, Holy God Omnipotent

Holy, Holy Jesus the Lord

There are other verses...but I'll never forget the joy that came to me when the melody came into my mind and the words flowed and all I had to do was write them down. They were coming in torrents I had to run and get pen and paper quick and asked the Lord to slow down a bit so I can write them down. I didn't have to worry it seemed like my mind and my heart was just filled with this song. I cried and cried I was so blessed by the song...and touched that God has graciously honored my desire. 

Coming to God is not always easy, especially when your heart is not in it. With all the things He had blessed me with, the challenges to keep my time with Him grew. Before you know it I was spending more time with my boyfriend, hanging out with my best friend, and talking on the phone! Things like going to the mall and even working as a cashier became common...and somehow, my conversations with Him dwindled down to almost nothing. I didn't even realize it. I still talked to Him...sometimes...but now I had a new love...my boyfriend had become my world...my life. I would remember Him though when I'm unhappy...because as time went with my boyfriend, I became more and more unhappy. It was like a love-hate relationship. He was verbally abusive and very possessive. It became to a point where I would break up with him almost every week and then make up with him a couple of days later. One day, I couldn't take it anymore. Every time I had broken up with this guy, he would come crying and begging to come back and I did not have the heart to stay firm and walk away. I loved him. But he was a jerk. So I asked the Lord, as hard as it was for me to ask Him, to take my boyfriend away from me. I told the Lord to bring Him back when he "grew" up. Even as I was asking the Lord, I had a feeling that my boyfriend wasn't going to come back. Still, I asked the Lord to "make him grow up and please bring him back..."

I went out with this boyfriend for two years and a half. The day came when the Lord took him away. The boyfriend had to go out of state to his brother's wedding to be the best man and decided to stay there. We had a set date to meet after he got back home...I waited and waited and he never showed up. Hours turn into days and I didn't hear from him. I laid in my bed wondering, praying that he was all right. On the third day I heard the phone ring and knew it was him but did not have the courage to go down and answer it. I heard my sister answer it and saw her talking on the phone...still, I did not have the courage to ask her who it was. I knew who it was. Later, she came to me and told me that the boyfriend has decided to stay where his brother lives...and was never intending to come back...a week later I got to talking to him and I heard he had met a "friend", "like a sister". 

That wasn't exactly what I was praying for...but God accomplished it. He took him away from me. I spent nights later crying...and crying...and weeping to God asking for His comfort. Then, I made up my mind - NEVER AGAIN! Never again will I love anyone more than God. Never again will I give all my heart and soul and make them my life. No one is worth it. God alone will be my life. God alone will be the only one that will have me.

Getting God takes a commitment. It's a marriage. You have to give your one hundred percent or it will never work. Fifty-fifty will not cut it. Your heart, your soul, your ambitions, your desires, your future, your present has to all belong to Him. How you say? By daily placing yourself before Him - laying down  your heart before Him...loving Him, talking to Him, allowing Him to be your Lord. The Psalmist states it this way: Commit your works unto Him and thy thoughts will be established.

After I had made up my mind to never allow anyone to have me but God I became fully committed to prayer and fasting. Prayer to me was easier. Fasting is like going through Sahara Desert with only a canteen of desire to see me through...but that desire did see me through...especially when I became desperate for answers and power from God. Not only that, I fell hard for God. I couldn't keep Him off my mind. Seems to me the more I prayed the more I wanted Him. I would get up in the middle of the night and talk to Him, loving Him...And during the day I talked to Him whenever I could be alone. I remember riding the bus home and thinking I'll talk to Him. As soon as I did I feel like choking back tears...I could feel Him in my heart. I could feel His love and His comfort. He was letting me know that He is real and that He loves me.