Here's one I had written last year....
Friday, May 06, 2011
7:21:38 PM
65˚
Little York
Pattenburg Rd
I feel very empty right now and yet somehow I still haven’t
forgotten that God has a purpose for me….that somehow I know and believe that
it’s just a matter of time before He brings me the work I’m supposed to be
doing in this life.
What’s the point of living in this life if I’m going to just
live it for myself? Anyway, that question has long been answered anyway. I’m
not here to just exist or aspire for earthly happiness. Earthly happiness are
too fragile. Too precious and too fleeting. And many times too shallow. Earthly
happiness is always after material things or people or prestige. And all of the
above do not satisfy. Material things do not satisfy. Before you know it
something better has come and you have to buy that something new and the thing
you’ve coveted for months or years to purchase takes the back burner even if
there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. A fad could come in and out and
before you know it you’re burning your dollars away just so you can feel that
you’re a part of the “fad” and is not breaking the “fad” rule. And then there
the misery of loving people and looking to them for happiness. It is completely
impossible for someone to be responsible for your happiness and yet left and
right people latch on to people to make them happy and they’re so broken when
that person rejects them. And lastly, prestige. Many people will go to extremes
to change their hearts and behavior to climb the prestige ladder. Their faces
will harden, their hearts will harden and their souls harden just so they could
be called boss or supervisor or rich or famous. Again, another false way of
attaining happiness. Whoever came up with all these “gods” should be locked up because
it seems such an epidemic with people from day one. The minute you’re born your
parents is talking about you getting somewhere, looking and acting better than
other people and pushing you to be prestigious, rich and famous. And for what?
Supposedly so that you will become happy. But when you’ve lived your life long
enough you realize that there’s a soul in your body that cannot be satisfied by
these false happiness your parents said to pursue after. You realized that
something deep within your soul reaches for something only unseen happiness can
satisfy. And so depending on who you are you can either pursue that unseen
happiness or continue to live in the miserable state you’re in trying to get
used to your false happiness. There sure are a lot of rich, famous, and
prestigious people unhappy. And yet from day one they tell you if you get to
good school, get a great job, make a lot of money, everything will be fine.
I used to think this way. But now, who cares? Who cares
about money, prestige and fame when my soul longs for something unseen?
Something that I don’t even know. Something that I know only God can fill. And
unless I throw away all these expectations and ambitions I have of the earthly
happiness I will never get that unseen happiness that only God can bring.
What’s the use of food, clothing and shelter when you heart and soul are
gnawing inside of you it makes you want to die instead? Or wish everything you
know is all over? What’s the use indeed – for man cannot live by bread alone
but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God?
I have a dream. A happiness pursuit that only God can bring.
And I will mean for Him to bring it to me. I will desire it with all of my
heart and soul – and do desire it even now – that it will come to pass. As in
time passed when I dreamed and longed for something so badly that they have
come to passed. I dream this again. And not maybe someday it will come to pass,
but it will come to pass. It will.
God will use me to tell others about Him. He will use me to
be an avenue to let others know Him themselves. And not only that, this is the
dream part, it will feel natural. It will not be an effort. See – that is the
dream part that will come to pass and I decree to come to pass. It will not be
an effort. It will be easy. Oh, sure, there will be an effort. But God will be
leading me and showing me every step of the way that it will feel effortless.
And then, they just will come. They will come to me to tell them about Jesus. I
will tell them about Him and what I know about Him. They will accept Him. He
will come to their hearts and soul and talk to them and be their Lord too. And
I move on. My purpose is done. That’s it. That’s the dream. People coming to
know God and I have something to do with it. Yes, that seems like an
egotistical thing to say but there you go – if there’s any ambition or pride or
call it whatever you can negatively call it, my desire or wish is that I could
be a reason someone came to know the Lord. I want to be that someone God used
for another person to know Him.
I don’t care about people loving me. I don’t care about them
coming after me. I don’t want that. I don’t want them to come to me or love me.
I want them to know God for themselves and that’s it. I don’t want people to
think I’m anybody special. The only thing that will make me special in the
process is seeing others come to receive Him and He reveals Himself to them and
makes a habitation in their hearts. When God uses me to say what I need to say
that’s when I will feel special. When people say, “You have helped me come to
know God and know Him for myself” then that is what will make me feel special.
But if they come and latch on to me and become a burden and look to me to help
them as if I can bring answers to their problems, then no, they’re not making
me feel special. They are in every way making me feel burdened and I will
cringe every time I see them or hear from them. I will not like them at all.
And I will pray that God will take them
out of my life because I have no desire to carry people. I have no desire to
flatter people or be their savior. I know my limitations. I know my
shortcomings. I know my faults. I have too much of them. I have enough to carry
without people having to add to my own burdens.
It is easier now. It is possible. I used to think, “God! How
will I ever bring people to you?!” It just felt so hard. But now the vision is
clearer. I don’t do anything at all. Do I think I can turn people to come to
believe me who God is and would want Him? Ha! That’s why it’s impossible
because I’m so limited. Other people may have the gift of gab and be so
convincing and so smart that they can persuade people. But I know myself. I
can’t do it. That’s why it is impossible. God is the one that draws people! I
see this so clearly. So wonderfully. I
see now what I need to do. All I have to do is pray that the Lord will draw
them. And when the right moment comes, God will place the desire in my heart to
talk about Him and that person will be more than happy to hear about Him. I
don’t have to go and preach to them Acts 2:38 and beat that scripture on their
heads. If God wants them to get baptized and get the Holy Ghost, He either will
place the desire in my heart to tell them or as in process of time they hunger
more for Him, they will ask what further things they need to do. Besides, they
can very well read it for themselves in the Bible. God can very lead them to do
it. I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to feel responsible for their souls.
God is responsible for their souls. My only responsibility is to know what God
wills in my life. What He desires for me to do.
God does the changes. All a person needs to do is ask with
their mouth Christ in their hearts and He will do the dealing. It’s all see
easy to me now. I don’t do the saving, God does. I don’t do the changing, God
does. If He wants to save a person no devil in hell or human on earth can get
in His way. God will save them.
